Excuse the title. Hahah. But basically, this is a sentap post.
I have been contemplating to share this story for so many times. Nak share…tak nak share? Nak share ke tak? But this story has been bothering me for so many weeks. So I have decided to share it with everyone. I hope everyone can take this positively, as a reminder to everyone, especially to myself.
I never view myself as a pious person. Of course lah kan. I never pretend to be one, either. But Alhamdulillah lately, I felt some changes happening to me, especially within…in my heart.
I missed being able to pray now during menses, one which I never bothered to do in my younger days. I wake up for Subuh efficiently now, sometimes without an alarm. Sometimes, I feel like the five times prayers aren’t enough. Maybe I just needed a place to vent, and talking to people never really helped or solved anything. So now, I try to wake up for tahajjud. And I vent there instead. Perhaps, that’s why it’s much easier to wake up and pray while everyone else is in slumber. Royan malam-malam. I used to sleep through the night and open my eyes in the mornings already feeling empty and unhappy, thinking why do I even exist? But since I practiced waking up at nights and pray instead, I feel much better. You can't imagine.
All this, I know, was so not me before. Dr. Zek yang free hair and pakai baju fit bagai. But hidayah I guess, comes in so many forms. And I thank Allah for choosing me for this gift. And especially, I thank God for me being me. I make friends with all kinds of people. Hijabis, free hairs, tudung labuhs, kejap pakai kejap tak, macam-macam perangai, macam-macam kenakalan, and I thank Allah for never having the heart to judge any of them.
Like my ex-boss used to say, Allah knows what is in our hearts. And that is the most important thing. Everything else will follow later. People can change, from bad to good, from good to better, but from good to worse too. And I believe him, especially lately since I felt it myself. Sorry, I can’t really explain what I am feeling. Wish I could.
What affected me so badly, is that some people are just so ready to judge other people. Why? Because they wear the hijab and I don’t? I have had ‘tak syariah compliant’ said to me. Okay lah, I agree. Takpelah, sape suruh free hair. Takkan nak kena announce eh aku solat and puasa and sedekah bagai laaa. Tak logik. So, okaylah, I accept that I am non-syariah compliant.
But what I just can’t over was I was talking to a friend, whom asked me why I looked so mandom lately. So I said, I haven’t been getting so much sleep lately, been forcing myself to wake up at 3am to do the tahajjud and make it a habit, and I can’t sleep after.
Dia cakap, ‘Huh? Kau lagi baik dari aku!’ That really made me pause. Terkedu kejap. What in the first place made a person think he or she is better than someone else? Appearance?
I will never say I’m better than anyone else. I have had problems praying in public before, until I saw my 13 years old son reach KL Sentral, and look for a surau to perform his Zuhr. That was a real slap to my face, after which, I forced myself to get over the insecurities I have had praying in public…at 40 years old. There’s a story to this, which I’ll share later maybe.
But as a reminder to all my friends and to myself, how sure are we our hijabs are donned right? That our abayahs aren’t clinging to our asses, showing off our figures? Our prayers are perfect or even accepted by The Divine? Do we bawang about people and spread rumours? Eat daging busuk much?
Just so you know, the lady that cheated me out of RM15k for supply of products had a niqab on. The people whom took products without ever paying me also had the hijab on. But I never generalized people from them.
Really, nobody is perfect. Appearance do not mean much if your heart isn't in the right place. But we all try at one point or another in our lives. Our journeys are different. Our tests are different. We can be fine today, but tested tomorrow. How sure are we that we can pass?
I have no guarantee of how I'll be tomorrow. If I'll ever don the hijab, if I'll ever keep doing the tahajjud or whatever, but for now atleast, I pray that I have istiqamah in performing my prayers.
Let's not judge anyone, especially those whom are going through things we don't understand. Who knows what tests they are going through...and how they will turn out after. Or if they will change for the better later, and we for the worst.
Just pray for the best for everyone.
Sekian, post sentap. May our Ramadan this year be better than the last, and our ibadah accepted, and the McD drive-thru not sway us.